Blue Blink

I will look away and wanly smile

            to shake the blues away

            to let myself forget

But I will look into your eyes again

Shake my hand, hold it tight

            feel the warmth it can offer

            feel the strength it has acquired

I will look away, take it back

            clasp it in prayer

            and hope a miracle happens

And I will shake your hand again

See me smile as the world overwhelms me with beauty

            as I treasure the things I have

            as I look back to memories so fondly

I will look away and smile some more

            as life will smile at me

            as love will smile at me once again

But I will smile for you again

Hear my laughter, hear its joy

            hear the crisp in its sweetness

hear what has not been heard for so long

I will look away, smile away

            cherish the laughter  of years gone by

            enjoy the memories we’ve made

I shall laugh with you again

I know all these will not bring time back

            opportunities  wasted in hesitance and inhibition,

            they will not bring him back…

But let me gaze into your eyes and see

let me hold your hand and touch

Let me smile at you and smile back

Let me hear you laugh that I may laugh along with you

For I cannot be with him

Nor he be with me today

Nor in my life’s uncomfortable solitude

But it is that pair of eyes that met his gaze

            those eyes that laid on my beloved,

            beheld him and saw what he saw…

It is that hand that shook his hand,

            that warmed his palms, patted his shoulder,

            supported his every stumble

That is the smile that met his,

            which comforted his sorrow and warmed his heart

That laughter is the one that reached his ears

            that lightened his mood

            that brightened his day

I cannot do all the things that you’ve done with him

I cannot be with him, nor can he be with me

But let me look into those eyes again

And let me see the eyes

that saw the one I have loved so much.

August 1999

Minsan

Kailan mo huling sinabing ‘Sana tama ako?’
Kailan mo huling naisip na ‘Sabi ko na nga ba?’
Hindi ba’t sa bawat pagkakataon ay inisip mong hindi ka nagkamali
At naramdaman mong talagang tama ka?

Ang sarap isipin ang bawat pagkakataong naging totoo ang pakiramdam
O di kaya’y naging sapat ang iyong pagsukat ng mga bagay
Kay sarap isipin kung tama ka ay masaya.
Sana lang ngayon… mali ako…

Dahil masakit isipin na ganun nga…
Mahirap tanggapin na wala na…
Paano maiintindihan?
Hanggang saan ko titiisin?

Minsan kong iniwasan…
Pilit kong tinakasan
Pero bakit ganito?
Saan ako nagkulang?

Iba’t iba ang naramdaman ng dibdib
Hindi alam kung saan babaling
Babalikan ko ba ang kahapon
At sarili ay sisihin?

Luha ay dumadaloy
Di alam ang dahilan
Ikaw ba ay minahal
O ginawang kasangkapan lamang?

Paano ibubulong ang damdaming nagsusumigaw?
Paano paagusin ang hinagpis na pumukaw
Tahimik na puso iyong ginising
Bakit ngayon iyong paluluhain?

Ilang ulit na akong nasaktan
ilang beses nasugatan
Muli bang iyong binigo?
Sana ngayong minsan… sana mali ako…

Last teardrop

This is the last teardrop for you
I will move on from this day on,
I can’t let you be the reason
For me not take hold of my life

I will resist the urge to look back
when i say goodbye i’ll just smile and turn
get on the plane and go
some place i can live on my own

Your memories i’ll seal in one box
set them aside as i live my life
one day when i’m stronger and renewed with love
i’ll face what i can’t accept for now

There’s no way i can change your mind
You’ve got to be where you want to be
There’s just one wish i’d like to make
I hope you will be happy

This is the last teardrop for you
i’ll let it flow, let it slide
This is the last teardrop for you
I’ll let it flow as i let you go

So near… yet so far…

Within reach but beyond touch…We can talk , yet not speak

We can understand but grasp not the meaning

Your voice I heard, yet you spoke not a word

Guess it was just my heart I heard

What then is the use of two pairs of lips

If they just do not speak to each other?

What is the use of two pairs of eyes

If they do not throw each other a gaze?

What then is the use of hands

If they just do not warm each other’s palm?

What are two pairs of ears for

If they do not listen to each other’s pains?

Better are two hearts that do not beat for each other

They can still beat the same rhythm with others meant for them,

Than those heart who beat for each other

but do not know they beat as one…

Truly, one senses the other’s sadness

One knows when to lift the other up

One lost is carried by the other home

One gives hope when the other loses it….

But why can’t we just break out…speak out.. shout out…

and admit out loud…?

we have only one thing in mind - each other

– Ianne

11.Aug.94

They say life is but a heartbeat… for some this heartbeat spans 50 earth years -  maybe more. for some, not even half…

I guess it springs from the idea that the most vital sign that one is alive is the heartbeat. Take away one, could mean the end of one’s journey on this earth. But does it also come from the truth that the very center of one’s life is what is in his/her heart?  That what one holds dear is what controls his/her very life?

We have known each other for so many years. We have parted ways and found ourselves meeting on the same path. We have seen each other through even the darkest of moments.  Ours isn’t the ordinary friendship that anyone can find. Ours, until now, I cannot define….

We spent our younger years discovering things in life. We shared common things as abstract as poetry, as animated as stage,  as profound as love and life. Then, we wandered off to our own interests.. pursued our dreams… yet continued to cherish what we shared. I found you among the crowd. Bridged by an acquaintance who turned out to be a pal from your childhood. Life can be playful sometimes, huh… And so we basked again in sunshine of our friendship. We brought back memories of the life we led separately. We brought ourselves into each other’s world…

But you have obligations now. And the beautiful life that our dear friends have ordained for us when we were younger is more bleak than the sunshine before the rain. But I cannot keep you from where you want to be. Nor can I stop from becoming who you want to be, if only I want you to be happy.

I had my chance, I realized… I had every opportunity to feel for you. But I was too insensitive then. Too self-absorbed to notice you were there… Too numb to feel the warmth of your love… Why is it then that I feel this sorrow… this guilt… this regret… I know I should have paid more attention… to you, your smile, your life… it was just a heartbeat… but what a heartbeat I missed… Have i finally realized…? Could it be?… Could I have loved you a hearbeat too late?

This is the millionth time that i have started this post…

I’ve written many words tonight but everytime i have erased each one… not knowing how to go on ..not knowing what to say… There are lots in fact… it’s just that the mind can’t seem to handle the flux of ideas… or is it emotions?  Well, whatever it is, still here i am, not knowing how to begin… only knowing there is much going on inside my being..

Allow me to "sing" to you awhile.. maybe after then things will just start to flow…

I like this song a lot.. it speaks so much of what i feel during those times in my life i refer to as "Divine Interventions"… the name of the band who made this song very popular is even more interesting - Survivor

" I never knew what brought me here.. as if somebody led my hand.. it seems i hardly had to steer, my course was planned. A destiny that guides us all.. and by its hand we rise and fall.. but only for one moment in time enough to catch our breath again..

And we’re just another piece of the puzzle.. just another part of the plan.. How one life touches the other is so hard to understand.. Still we walk this road together.. we travel though as far as we can and we have waited for this moment in time..Eversince the world began…"

guess, no event is ever a coincidence…  even this very moment that you are reading my mind…

Sometimes in life we wander far and wide in the hope we’d get somewhere… meet someone.. do something … worthwhile…

But life has its way of putting all things together… of putting people together once again… that no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done… there will come a time when you will come face to face with people you’ve lost touch with even for so many years…

And with each reunion you are brought back to days when dreams are simpler and happiness more attainable… You smile with each recollection of youthful laughter and playful banter over trivial matters.. You grin over that dimpled boy who first made your heart beat faster at 5th grade… you feel the pride as you remember the medals you received on graduation day.. you remember the excitement you felt when you first said yes to love…

And because life isn’t a bed of roses… sadness seeps in as you recall that victory that was almost yours when a good friend won first place in that speech contest you ended 2nd in… you get teary-eyed thinking how painful it was when you parted ways with your best friend long before school was over…  and you bow your head in bitterness over the love you lost along the way…

But as time passes it heals wounds and makes memories seem sweeter… and you realize that after all these years you long to go back to places you were in , see people you met, and do things you used to do… so as to feel how worthwhile they have become… how much they have become a part of you… how much of you has come to be because of them…

Life has its way of putting things together… of putting people together… but no matter what life brings us or where it leads us… it is the journey that makes or breaks the journey… but it is the coming home that is sweetest…

"So near yet so far…

        within reach but beyond touch…"

how many of them were like this?… at arms length but for some reason - untouchable, unreachable.  For the eyes to see but not for the heart to behold.. Some unwritten rule just would not allow it. Lest pain is what you want… Lest tears would be your desired companion… Why can’t i just stretch my arms and, for once, make someone mine? … Though pain lingers and tears stay…